greetings

I turn into a parrot when someone greets me on the streets. "How you doing?" someone will say, to which I'll reply "How you doing" in an endless, unresolved, recycled question. What's up, hey, and a nod are also lines I've duplicated. Yesterday I took it up a notch when the lady at the YMCA, sitting at her desk, said "Have a nice workout" and I replied with "You too"

Diet pop

So thank you, US government, for coming out with a study stating that people who drink diet pop are SO much more likely to develop Cancer, Heart Disease, Strokes, probably goddamned AIDS.....what a dumb study. Yeah it's probably not the best thing for you, but look at the people who drink it. Giant sedentary fatasses who order 3 double cheeseburgers and "scale back" with a diet coke. Desk bound white-collar stumps that chain drink the shit while getting zero exercise all day. Nervous smokers who need to do something with their mouth. And finally, perfect specimens like myself. Fucking people these days. Scared of every damn thing. Swine flu. Terrorists hiding bombs in pens. Body scan deals at airports. Cell phones giving you cancer. News flash: people fucking die. For all of the "Wholesome, natural foods" and 'Exposure to 1/50,0000 of the carcinogens" that people had in the 19th century, they still died of  infected cuts and measles and shit.

I swear, if FOX News ran a headline such as "Terrifying new study finds that being born results in 100% mortality" you'd have panic in the streets. And these people get to vote. Let's start up like a Monarchy or something. People are just too goddamned dumb.

Hero?

I realize that it might be a politically charged topic, but no one else can read this, so no one is here to call me an asshole. SUCKAAAAAAAS. At any rate, I read an article about the parents of a young victim shot in that Tucson massacre. I obviously think it was a horrible act, and anyone who takes political rhetoric to the point that they're willing to shoot someone is what is wrong with America, and particularly Arizona. Stopping anyone who looks like they might not be a citizen? Hello Nazi Germany.

Back to my main point, the article called these parents "heroes". I understand that they went through a horrible tragedy that no parents should have to experience; however I hardly think that the word "hero" should be redefined to include anyone who suffers. Getting hit by a bus, however miniscule the odds, doesn't make you a hero. Heroes are people who actively try to change the world around them for the better, not merely someone who has something bad happen to them.

Facebook is gay

This is not a revolutionary thought by any means, but I haven't written about it yet. What I hate most about facebook is that it is the epitome of the "Everyone is special and deserves a participation ribbon for trying" bullshit that my generation unfortunately grew up with. To wit:

Today I: went on a successful and meaningful shopping trip, read a book under my electric blanket, carved a mouse out of wood, and ate ravioli = lived well.

12 hours ago · · Comment

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  5 people like this.

  Wow!!! Let's break this mind dump down step by step:

  1. A successful and meaningful shopping trip. I'm sure the children of Africa with their un-stitched cleft palates and intestines bleeding from malnutrition definitely have a few things to learn about purpose in life from you and your shopping exploits. Hey Mother Theresa.....you've got company.

  2. read a book under my electric blanket. Well you don't need to be an insurance adjuster to see the fire hazard there. Thanks for driving up my rates, bitch.

  3. Carved a mouse out of wood. Should have left the wood in it's original log form and bludgeoned yourself unconscious

  4. And fuck YOU with your and. An addition to this bullshit itinerary?
  5. ate ravioli=lived well why hasn't Good Housekeeping come and asked you to write an apologist self-help essay for middle aged women? I can see the headline now: "Secret to Living Well!! Page 26." as the hormonally imbalanced old hags flip to page 26 with excitement. Oh. Ricotta Cheese. It was so simple. Shit.

  
  

  Five people also "Liked" this. You go girl. Thanks for your interesting and totally necessary addition to my day. Emoticons!

  
  

  
  

Cheese

So last week I was eating nacho cheese with a spoon. I attracted some bizarre looks, and a friend of mine went so far as to say "Gross". I've done plenty of gross things, but I'm totally mystified as to why the lack of a salt covered artery bomb under my cheese is any less disgusting. Forget the chips, I'm in this for the cheese. The tortilla is nothing but a salty middle-man.

Spam Subject Lines

it's like these guys aren't even TRYING to get me to send money to a Nigerian Princess anymore. "Thus he burnished the foreclosed manor house, according to Tonya".....how intriguing. "Acknowledgements of the good day!"......boy, must be an email from an old college buddy because THAT'S THE WAY THAT ANYBODY ON THE PLANET TALKS! Shit, if there's a sucker born every minute, at least spend some of that money you're being sent on someone who can speak English. Or continue making subject lines like "make sex for 6 hours". I'll probably still open that one

Too Many Damn Homeless people.

My office has the perfect storm for attracting homeless psychopaths right outside: A Public Library combined with a post office. I see why these weirdos gather at the library, but the post office? What the hell. No free internet porn at the post office, just a bunch of surly fucks sending out packages.I'm sure they don't have a lot of Christmas presents to send; as they should definitely be spending any disposable income on becoming less homeless. Some crazy woman ran up to me at 7:57 right outside my door, asking if I could bring her pet bird inside my office, because "He won't survive the cold"... yeah and I'll bring it to my desk and feed it grubs? I come back from NY vacation and it's the damn Shawshank Redemption. I was in a terrible mood returning to work anyway, and bringing a diseased crow inside would have really clinched a great Monday. On a positive note, there was a new Calvin and Hobbes comic book collection in the bathroom. Crawling with hilarious comic strips. And probably bacteria. Oh well, I'm not eating off the damn thing....