Radio Call in shows.

I hate KS95. I hate that these assclowns with broadcasting degrees think that on the way home that people, and by people I mean me, really want to listen to a grown man talk about Dancing with the Stars, or talk about how much he loves the new Taylor Swift CD, and how she has "grown up" as an artist. First of all dude, your name is "Moon" and second, just die. Worse are the people who call in to contribute idiotic sound bytes for their call in segments. Anyone listening who........has a secret!?!?!!??!?! call in and share your moronic fucking anecdote please! So after waiting on hold for probably a half hour for their moment of radio glory, these douchebags come up with: "yeah, I was out at Red Lobster last night, and I saw a co-worker with a woman that I didn't think was his wife". Thanks for your contribution to American Storytelling, Mr. Radio Hemingway. This is far from being a new thing, unfortunately. I remember driving with my dad on winter days and listening to WCCO. When it started snowing, as it has been known to do in Minnesota, they immediately quit whatever other topic they were on to discuss the snow. Where. How much. Road conditions. Whether it was blowing. (The whole program was blowing, so obviously. Hi-yooooo) Anyway, they would cut to some embarrassing caricature of a Minnesotan, Dan in Apple Valley or something, and he would again, certainly have been on hold for at least 20 minutes. Once on the radio, we would be treated to "yeah I'm er-ahhhhhh out on my deck and I'm in Apple Valley and it's really coming down out here. I'd be careful out on the roads" Thanks Dan, you meteorological genius. In fact, I bet you're just a science genius in general. You probably vote against stem cell research "because it murders babies" or something. And you get a vote. You fucking idiot. Maybe I'm jumping to unfair conclusions, and Dan was actually just a nice old man who wanted to let me know about the snow.

Celebrities

Kim Kardashian has a line of prepaid debit cards. That may be the most ridiculous celebrity sales pitch I've ever heard. Why is she a celebrity anyways? And what personality attributes and financial experience does she have that would lead me to trust her with my all important prepaid debit card dollar? Why would anyone want to use a check card when they could have a product endorsed by a pseudo-celebrity with a sex tape? What's with that 3rd, gigantic sister? The only product endorsement that makes less sense to me is Jimmy Johnson and Extends or whatever that deal is. Some short old guy with crazy hair shouting at me in NASCAR english really makes me want to go out and buy some big dick pills. That advertising tie in makes complete sense. How bout them Cowwwwboyyyyyyyyyyys? And how 'bout my giant new tool?

Scavenger Hunt

I tried to use the restroom at a Minneapolis liquor store yesterday. I'm not going to put that type of accomplishment up there with Rosa Parks sitting in the front of the bus, for example, but it is a tough thing to do. I had to pretend that there was something in my eye. I was winking at the guy and pinching off an imaginary shard of glass. I think he led me to the back room out of sheer curiosity more than anything. I am going to try to turn this exploit into a pattern of doing difficult shit. Next week I am going to go to Subway and steal 4 bags of chips with my meal. No one monitors that rack very closely, and those surly ass employees probably wouldn't give a shit anyways. FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOM (in Braveheart voice)

Loser

I can sing along with "Loser" by Beck in its entirety. This is a proud moment 10 years in the making.

Christmas

I saw a commercial today for the "Pandora Bracelet", which is basically a stainless steel band with a bunch of Lucky Charms tied around it. Priced from $19.99 to $399.99. Drop it in milk and get a magical surprise! First of all, gay. Second, if I went through childbirth, I'd want something more from my husband than a pink plastic booty attached to a few clovers and blue moons.

On the topic of Blue Moons, it would be much more interesting if there was an Old Chicago Style World Beer Tour Charm bracelet. Maybe a bloody Redcoat or a musket for Sam Adams, a Hockey stick for Labatt Blue, or a bunch of diarrhea in a glass for Guinness. Fuck Guinness, what awful beer. I really hate dudes that want to sound sophisticated by saying things like "it really tastes better in Ireland". Maybe Guinness is what they did with all of the rotten potatoes that sent them to America in the first place (HISTORY NOTE!! Relevant topic: Potato Famine) I strive to be educational as well as being a guy with few other outlets to bitch about things that are lame.

Also, I asked the guy at the liquor store last week if they had those Miller Lite home draft things. He looked at me like I was retarded and said they were just commercials. Yeah, I realize that the case with the speakers attached might not be real (I thought it was at first, I admit it) but a home keg certainly seems to be a possibility. I found out later that they were, in fact, real. I'm never going back to MGM. Also, F Miller Lite. Vortex bottles are a scammy way to get me to buy an otherwise lousy beer. The only beverage innovation i wish would come back is clear Pepsi. I loved that stuff!